Part 3: Having “The Talk”
By Heidi Nestor
She walks into the room wearing her favorite strawberry lip gloss, a touch of blush to put color on her delicate features, and that pretty blue sweater that brings out the sparkle in her eyes. She gathers her things in a bag and is going off to meet her friends at the center for a day of activities. She mentions something about that cute guy she likes and maybe going to an afternoon matinee with him. She grabs the car keys and then you’re reminded of all the dents that she’s put on the vehicle while embracing her independence. You wonder if “cute guy” is distracting her driving. Then reality hits you, it’s time to have “The Talk.” Not about the birds and bees, she already knows about that, after all, she’s your mother. This is the other talk, the one that…no matter how delicately you put it…says you’re too old to drive.
Part one of this three part series on elder driving addresses the debate over senior accident statistics and how the natural aging process can affect driving skills. Part two explores the degenerative mental process along with medications that can affect motor skills and reaction time. This final section of our three part series explains how to determine if the senior is becoming a hazard on the road, and gives suggestions on how to have “The Talk” with an elderly family member about turning in their car keys.
But before you enter into that slippery road of taking your loved one’s freedom away you may want to assess your own perspective first. Is your view being validated by facts or emotions? Do you want to take the keys away just because you’re worried over their safety or have you truly witnessed the elder being a hazard on the road?
It may be best to examine the situation through a different approach by asking your siblings or the neighbors if they believe there is a problem. Perform an eye-sweep over their car to see if there are new dents and scratches. Research the medications your loved one is taking; do they cause drowsiness and need to be taken during the day while the senior is out and about driving around? Perhaps, it is the senior, themselves, who is concerned about their driving ability.
After performing your own checklist to verify you don’t have an unfair bias, then you can proceed in crafting a compelling argument, backed up with evidence and safety statistics, as to why you are taking the keys away - right?
WRONG!
I’m sure you realize that extreme sensitivity needs to be evident when calmly sitting down to discuss the driving concerns you have with your loved elder. Keep in mind, most likely your family member will not see it your way. Worse yet, might see it as some kind of punishment.
Even with your empathic reasoning, safety concerns, and impressive corporate-style power point presentation discussing the legal ramification of accidents with seniors…why do they still drive? Is it their Ego? Their stubbornness? Perhaps to some degree, but it goes much deeper resulting in their fear of being dependant says John Siberski, author of Knowing When to Break: Older Adults and Driving. Siberski explains that:
- ...losing a driver’s license is akin to house arrest without the ankle bracelet. The nondriver becomes dependent on the kindness of family, friends, and neighbors, as well as strangers driving taxis. The impact on the individual’s family is significant. Shopping, doctor appointments, trips to the beauty salon, picking up some milk at the store, and so on may – and often does – entail inconvenience, often elaborate planning and timing, and sometimes annoyance, resentment, and argument. The impact of allowing cognitively impaired older drivers to remain on the road, however, is even more problematic.
A big part of an elder’s fear of turning in their car key is that they are suddenly at the mercy of family, friends, and strangers to get their basic needs met. And if you are part of the sandwich generation, the senior’s concerns are warranted especially with family member’s lives being so busy.
In, The Driving Dilemma: The Resource Guide for Families and Their Older Drivers, Elizabeth Dugan gives a list of solid advice on how to prepare for that talk. Her suggestions include:
- Roll with Resistance
Dugan recommends you not only expect resistance but prepare for it. Arguing is counterproductive to the change process. Your task is to listen, express empathy and use the speaker’s “momentum” to further explore his or her view. Help the person weigh the pros and cons of the decision to stop driving.
If the driver becomes too argumentative to deal with let them know you won’t be pulled into an argument and that you’ll talk about your concerns at a later date.
If the senior becomes overly-emotional, calm him/her down and remind them that this is about your concern with them and you are working towards reaching mutual agreement. A win/win situation could be that they limit their driving to the store or the doctors and only during certain, non-rush hour, times of the day.
Develop Discrepancy
Discrepancy helps the driver to see a problem. If they believe they are a good driver, discrepancy would be to ask them what constitutes a good driver and have them see how they may fall short of that.
Reflective Listening
Reflective Listening is good ways to have the elder realize that you are listening to them and that you understand their concerns. When the driver puts up an argument as to why they should keep their license, rephrase back to them the concerns they stated. Don’t merely repeat what they said, but reiterate it in your own words so the senior understands that you are listening to them.
If you have a family member showing any of these signs it is your responsibility to take action. If you are over 65, on medication, and have problems reacting to the rules of the road, you need to find alternative transportation.
The final assessment of this three part series concludes that until age restriction laws on elder drivers are passed, the responsibility lies with the family and doctors, to determine driving ability of their venerable loved one and if his/her motor skills and reflexes are good enough to maintain a level of safety on the road. Moreover, the family needs to discuss with doctors if the driver’s mental and/or physical health issues and any medications s/he is taking could impair driving ability. When the time comes to limit or stop driving all together keep in the mind the reasons why the elder may want to continue driving. Communicate your concerns about their safety without degrading them, and perhaps a difficult road ahead can be paved for an easier route.
Our goals at Life Alert are to promote wellness in all areas of life for all family members. With one push of a button, Life Alert sends emergency help fast possibly eliminating a potential catastrophe. If you or a loved one is in need of extra security and peace of mind we provide safety services for the healthy longevity and independence of seniors.
Aging Brain. Webindai123.com. 2000. 9 December 2009.
Clark, Ron. “Making the 'Key' Decision.” AgeNet., Inc. 2001. November 30, 2009.
Dugan, Elizabeth. The Driving Dilemma: A complete Resource Guide for Older Drivers and Their Families. New York: Harper Collins, 2006.
Karaim, Reed. “When is it Time to Quit Driving?” November 16, 2006. AARP.org December 2009.
"Senior Citizen Drivers: Are They a Menace? Should Licensing Laws Be Tougher?" Seniorjournal.com. 9 December 2009.
Siberski, John. “Knowing When to Break Older Adults and Driving.” Aging Well. Winter 2008: 37-39.
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